Rehab by the Swake

What would happen if we turned the swake into a rehab facility for famous people?  Imagine if you will that we invited Mayor Ford, and Justin to visit the swake so they could escape the pressure cooker of the paparazzi and enjoy the unconditional love of a 102-pound German Shepherd.  Might they discover their place in the world and return to it whole again?

We'd have to turn the swake into an alcohol free, secure facility but that's doable.  Some chain link and a rent a cop or two.  What lessons might they learn while visiting our fine rehab establishment?  The first lesson would be from Kanti, I would title it "You are Lovable".  She would put those gigantic paws on their shoulders the minute they stepped out of their limousines, leaving paw prints behind on the designer duds.  No matter how arrogant or ill tempered, she would unfailingly follow them around rubbing her big hairy self all over their pant legs.  She would bring her ball or Frisbee to them over and over again from morning to night, inviting them to play.  They'd eventually discover that she loved them just because they were themselves, not because they were famous or rich or powerful.

Assuming they survived lesson one without being licked to death, they would move onto lesson two which I would title "You are Important".  Although Kanti's love would be unconditional, the guests would need to feed her two square meals a day at the right time and with the correct routine.  They would have to heap praise on Kanti and conduct a serious monologue with meaningful questions about her interest in either breakfast or supper.  They would need to respond quickly to her woofs from the laundry room; the woofs that mean she wants a pig's ear.  Failure to respond quickly would result in her getting as close as possible to their hands and using her nose to knock their hands until they paid attention.  One hundred and two pounds of knocking is really irritating, and if they failed to understand their importance as the opener of the pig's ear bag she would place that great big set of teeth very gently on their arm in an attempt to lead or herd them to the bag.  The guests would always have to ensure that the toilet seat lid was down so that Kanti's only source of fresh water was her bowl.  These are the critical elements of the "You are Important" lesson.

After conquering the first two lessons, the guests would move onto the final lesson; "You are in Control".  As huge and insistent as Kanti can be, the guests would have to master the third lesson in order to command her respect.  Exercising self-control is the only way to maintain any control in a crazy out of control world.  They would need to learn to say no with purpose and conviction, knowing in their hearts that saying no will prevent all kinds of other trouble and make their lives far more enjoyable.  Learning to say no to Kanti might provide the mind map for how they could say no to things in their own lives that look at first glance to be fun but actually contain the seeds of destruction.  

Mayor Ford and Justin appear destined to self-destruct and while it provides lots of jokes and comedy, they are just people like you and I except that every single move and mistake is recorded.  They don't have the privilege of coming home to the swake, to the wonder of being one person under a million night stars, to the lonesome haunting sound of the coyotes, to the love of Kanti.  It is really kind of sad.  Everyone who is hurt or broken should have that chance to know they are lovable, important, and capable of self-control.