No other time since I started writing publicly in 2011 have the words been lost or unavailable for so long. The words have been buried under an avalanche of sadness, despair, anger, and yes even hopelessness. For nearly two years we prayed for a miracle week after week, day upon day. We called out the beast of brain cancer and claimed the many promises of our faith tradition. But the beast kept advancing beating down shreds of hope.
We watched His Next Page fighting for his life as the beast advanced stealing him from us. I felt like God turned his face away, put in earplugs, and pulled up the drawbridge of heaven. Nothing made sense about what was unfolding. Surely if miracles were possible there was no better time than now. I know many Christians will tell you stories of God's presence throughout tragedy and loss and I will concur God was present throughout the illness. However, I have no interest in a sugar-coated faith and there is no way to adequately sugar-coat this situation.
I came up short on my faith in late August. I woke up, poured my coffee and settled in for some meditation time which had become perfunctory. For several months I had been working through Annie F. Downs' book, 100 Days to Brave. It was a matter of having committed to reading it, so I soldiered on even when I wanted to put it down and walk away from the faith fiasco I was struggling with. God wasn't listening. Maybe it was all baloney and I was a fifty-six year old idiot for ever having believed any of it was true.
What if, not only wasn't God listening - what if God wasn't real? What if we were just bits of matter and energy come together by some cosmic accident only to breakdown and die? What if there was no higher being, no reason, no purpose? Where would that leave me? Well, it left me in turmoil. I was surrounded on all sides by doubt that morning in August when my meditation referred to the story of Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego. It was a favourite story of my childhood. We used to call the three young men in the story Shadrach, Meshach and ToBedWeGo.
The three young men in the story were about to be thrown into a fiery furnace to die and King Nebuchadnezzar was giving them one last chance to save themselves by denouncing their faith. If anyone was ever surrounded, those youngsters were but they gave a very public proclamation of their faith.
"Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego answered King Nebuchadnezzar, “Your threat means nothing to us. If you throw us in the fire, the God we serve can rescue us from your roaring furnace and anything else you might cook up, O king. But even if he doesn’t, it wouldn’t make a bit of difference, O king. We still wouldn’t serve your gods or worship the gold statue you set up.”" Daniel 3:16-18 MSG
The God we serve can rescue us...but even if he doesn't... Those words were the ones jumping out of the sentences and twisting into questions in my mind. What if God doesn't rescue us by providing a miracle of healing? What happens to my faith if he doesn't? Could I and would I make a similar declaration? The answer is yes. My declaration might be halting and my certainty shredded, but I can and will continue to share with you all the wonder of our Creator.
The God we serve can rescue us from cancer and death, but even if he doesn't I will proclaim his love and mercy, and I will share with the world my doubt and faith because even in the midst of the worst we were never alone. When it felt we were surrounded by the battle, we were still surrounded by God. Listen to Michael W. Smith and say a prayer for someone you know who is fighting a battle of some sort today.
We watched His Next Page fighting for his life as the beast advanced stealing him from us. I felt like God turned his face away, put in earplugs, and pulled up the drawbridge of heaven. Nothing made sense about what was unfolding. Surely if miracles were possible there was no better time than now. I know many Christians will tell you stories of God's presence throughout tragedy and loss and I will concur God was present throughout the illness. However, I have no interest in a sugar-coated faith and there is no way to adequately sugar-coat this situation.
I came up short on my faith in late August. I woke up, poured my coffee and settled in for some meditation time which had become perfunctory. For several months I had been working through Annie F. Downs' book, 100 Days to Brave. It was a matter of having committed to reading it, so I soldiered on even when I wanted to put it down and walk away from the faith fiasco I was struggling with. God wasn't listening. Maybe it was all baloney and I was a fifty-six year old idiot for ever having believed any of it was true.
What if, not only wasn't God listening - what if God wasn't real? What if we were just bits of matter and energy come together by some cosmic accident only to breakdown and die? What if there was no higher being, no reason, no purpose? Where would that leave me? Well, it left me in turmoil. I was surrounded on all sides by doubt that morning in August when my meditation referred to the story of Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego. It was a favourite story of my childhood. We used to call the three young men in the story Shadrach, Meshach and ToBedWeGo.
The three young men in the story were about to be thrown into a fiery furnace to die and King Nebuchadnezzar was giving them one last chance to save themselves by denouncing their faith. If anyone was ever surrounded, those youngsters were but they gave a very public proclamation of their faith.
"Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego answered King Nebuchadnezzar, “Your threat means nothing to us. If you throw us in the fire, the God we serve can rescue us from your roaring furnace and anything else you might cook up, O king. But even if he doesn’t, it wouldn’t make a bit of difference, O king. We still wouldn’t serve your gods or worship the gold statue you set up.”" Daniel 3:16-18 MSG
The God we serve can rescue us...but even if he doesn't... Those words were the ones jumping out of the sentences and twisting into questions in my mind. What if God doesn't rescue us by providing a miracle of healing? What happens to my faith if he doesn't? Could I and would I make a similar declaration? The answer is yes. My declaration might be halting and my certainty shredded, but I can and will continue to share with you all the wonder of our Creator.
The God we serve can rescue us from cancer and death, but even if he doesn't I will proclaim his love and mercy, and I will share with the world my doubt and faith because even in the midst of the worst we were never alone. When it felt we were surrounded by the battle, we were still surrounded by God. Listen to Michael W. Smith and say a prayer for someone you know who is fighting a battle of some sort today.
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